Who remembers school music programs? All through elementary school I suffered through them two times a year. I only remember a couple of them. They were both from fifth grade. During that academic year, I experienced my greatest moment as a performer, and my worst humiliation.
The Christmas musical was The Little Drummer Boy. My fat butt played the lead roll. Oh, it was a great moment as I stood on stage in the cafeteria. I lifted my voice to the heavens and sang the title song. There wasn't a dry eye in the house after I finished my last "pa rum pum pum pum."
I remember the accolades I received that winter evening. I knew there was no greater accomplishment. Therefore, I retired at the top of my profession.
The spring presentation was a completely different situation. Our choir teacher decided we needed to perform a musical named, "The Wedding of the Flowers." I don't remember many of the specifics of that fine play. What I do remember is the costuming was completely humiliating.
I was a dandelion. I'm sure the character was inserted to at least sound a little bit masculine. It wasn't. The costumes were bright yellow and made of crepe paper.
In order to fully celebrate spring's arrival, the play was performed on the front steps of the school. The wind was blowing hard enough to begin shredding my costume. The sun beat down on me, I started sweating and my shirt turned yellow on the arm pits.
I stood in that entry completely emasculated. My only comfort was know every other boy in the fifth grade was suffering the same indignation.
So, enjoy your children's class plays. But, if your son comes to you and tells you he has to play a flower, be a good parent and on the day of the play, let them call in sick.
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