UNIVERSAL TRUTHS OF LIFE

Never ever ever wear Ed Hardy clothing.  If I have to explain, call me.  I’ll come on over and hit you with a sock full of nickels

Women lie.  They say they’re biggest turn on is a sense of humor.  Really?   Are you sure it isn’t money and a nice arse?

Condoms have an expiration date.  If you have to check, I’m sorry.

Never brag that you’re good at something.  Even if you are, it still makes you look like an ass hole.

If you’re over 25, stop blaming your parents for your problems.  Or move out of their basement already.

If you’re a racist, a homophobe, or bigot, just stop it.   Judge a person on the quality of their character.  Then you have legitimate reasons to hate them.

Love everyone, except the French.  Screw the French

I know you love your children.  But, they probably are not as special as you think.

There are only three constants in life.  Jesus, Elvis & Coca Cola.  Jesus will always be my Savior.  Elvis will always be the King.  Coke will always be “The Real Thing.”

95% of your problems can be prevented just by showing up, doing what you say you’re going to do, and if you can’t letting people know it.

Once you figure out NASCAR is a soap opera for red necks, it gets much more interesting.

Live college sports beats life professional sports any day.

Stop telling me what the Bible means.  I’ve read it, and understand it well enough to know you’re taking it out of context.

Helmets?  We survived recreating Evel Knievel’s motorcycle jump at Ceasar’s Palace.  I’m just saying.

Intelligence doesn’t guarantee anything.  There are more geniuses in convenience stores than in colleges..  Some people are too stupid to fail.

You can’t save some people.  It doesn’t matter how much you love them.

Porn isn’t the only thing on the internet.  Or, so I’ve been told.

Style beats fashion.

The Chinese are not intimidated because you put a Free Tibet bumper sticker on your Subaru

Don’t worry about what your kids listen to.  Society has survived Elvis, The Beatles, Alice Cooper, KISS, The Sex Pistols, NWA, Marilyn Manson and numerous boy bands.

When your child is maddest at you, you’re doing your job.  Go ahead and make them madder by telling them how much you love them.