Sexting?

I was watching  the basketball  game Sunday  and my cell phone alerted me that I had a text.  A text?  Who would text me?  Nobody I know is that technologically advanced.

What are you doing?

It was a girl I had met at work last week. 

Watching the ball game

Oh.  I’m so HOT right now

Maybe you should turn on a fan

What are you wearing?

Pajamas

I’m only wearing a little white T.  Hee Hee

That should help cool you down

I want to rub oil all over my body.

That reminds me.  I need to change the oil in the truck.

Aren’t I turning you on?

How? You seem to complaining a lot.

A##HOLE!!

That was strange.  Oh, look.  The Celtics won.

If it's Tuesday. It's funny

Chicken Little

This is the cutest kid

Golf Fashion

Golf has a problem.  It's bigger than Tiger running around with Denny's waitresses.  It's bigger than damned Europeans winning Masters.  The problem has been going on for decades.  The problem is golf fashion.


I've looked at the situation extensively and have concluded there are two reasons for the problem.  The first one is obvious.  Men are not asking their wives' opinion before they leave for the links.  The second problem is that it is obvious that there are no gay golf clothing designers.


I offer the following examples as the fashion atrocities you'll encounter at your local municipal course or country club.

Thanks to Bill Murray, the patron saint of hackers, for knowing it's all silly and making a joke out of it.

Fear of Flying

The FAA has come under attack for air traffic controllers falling asleep in the tower.  Being on a flight without contact to the ground is concerning.  But, I have had a much greater worry for many years.


One of my best friends has been a controller since the 80s.  He's calm, relaxed, analytical and extremely intelligent.  He's also a little crazy.  


We used to play golf regularly.  Etiquette was a rare commodity around us.  We'd play Dukes of Hazard with the golf carts and launch them off fairway mounds.  We flipped many times.  Our clubs would end up scattered across the course.  I hit a huge drive one day and when I got to the ball, he was urinating on it.  His favorite move was to sneak up behind me when I was putting and give me a nut shot with his club.


This behavior can be classified as mischievous.  But, he told me a story one day that, if made up, is hilarious.  If he was telling the truth, is unnerving.


Here's the story he told me:


The government requires me to get a psychological checkup every year.  Last time I went I got bored and decided to have some fun.


I told the doctor that was having a disturbing dream.  In my dream, I was on the monitor with a Delta flight heading to Miami and TWA on the way to New York.  They were on a collision course.  I kept calling for Delta to change course.  They wouldn't respond.  I called out to TWA.  I couldn't get them on the radio either.  I kept trying to get them to avert.  They wouldn't answer me.  Then, they collided.


The doctor told me that due to the stress of my job, such nightmares are common.  


I told the doctor that he didn't understand.  I had an orgasm.   


Enjoy your next flight.

It's a Kung Fu Easter

How do we celebrate the most significant event in our religion?  We pretend small, hairy mammals deliver colored bird embryos to our children.  Should we wonder why other religions don't take us seriously?

Thank you Jesus.  Please don't give up on us because we're stupid.

The Trailer Park Ballad

The hillbilly genius of Tim Wilson 

Booty Call

The danger of drunken calling.

Elementary School Musical

Who remembers school music programs?  All through elementary school I suffered through them two times a year.  I only remember a couple of them.  They were both from fifth grade.  During that academic year, I experienced my greatest moment as a performer, and my worst humiliation.


The Christmas musical was The Little Drummer Boy.  My fat butt played the lead roll.  Oh, it was a great moment as I stood on stage in the cafeteria. I lifted my voice to the heavens and sang the title song.  There wasn't a dry eye in the house after I finished my last "pa rum pum pum pum."


I remember the accolades I received that winter evening.  I knew there was no greater accomplishment.  Therefore, I retired at the top of my profession.


The spring presentation was a completely different situation.  Our choir teacher decided we needed to perform a musical named, "The Wedding of the Flowers."  I don't remember many of the specifics of that fine play.  What I do remember is the costuming was completely humiliating.


I was a dandelion.  I'm sure the character was inserted to at least sound a little bit masculine.  It wasn't.  The costumes were bright yellow and made of crepe paper.


In order to fully celebrate spring's arrival, the play was performed on the front steps of the school.  The wind was blowing hard enough to begin shredding my costume.  The sun beat down on me, I started sweating and my shirt turned yellow on the arm pits.


I stood in that entry completely emasculated.  My only comfort was know every other boy in the fifth grade was suffering the same indignation.  


So, enjoy your children's class plays.  But, if your son comes to you and tells you he has to play a flower, be a good parent and on the day of the play, let them call in sick.

More Funny Protest Signs

A note to all you Tea Baggers and Tree Huggers:  If you're going to make asses of yourselves, at least make the rest of us laugh.

You have to admire their hate for everyone

Blind Dating for Fun and Profit

Blind dates are not all bad.  My sister met her husband 32 year ago on a blind date.  I, however, have had a less than stellar history in that area.  I think it's because of the phobia brought on by my first one.


It was the fall of my college junior year.  Homecoming was approaching.  I had never gone.  I didn't have an interest in finding a date, putting on uncomfortable clothes and eating rubber chicken.  I was planning on going home for Momma's cooking and free laundry.  My fraternity brother, Jimmy Dean had other plans for me.


He wanted to go out with a girl.  She wouldn't date him unless her friend came along.  It was only a couple days until the big weekend and JD was desperate.  He came to me and asked me if I'd take the friend out.  I said no.  He begged.  I said no.  He offered to pay.  I said no.  Finally, he resorted to "brotherhood" bullshit.  Guilt set in and I agreed.  


I met my date on Tuesday afternoon at the intramural fields.  She seemed OK.  She was cute and was wearing wayfarers.  At least she had style.


Friday rolled around and JD and I went to pick up our dates for the barbecue.  The evening went ok.  She wasn't a great conversationalist and I found it weird that she never took those sunglasses off.  After the party, I took her home and arranged to pick her up for Saturday's football game.


Saturday rolled around.  I picked her up and we went to the stadium.  We didn't talk much, and she still had on those sunglasses.  The game ended.  I took her home to change for the evening's dinner.


We arrived at the restaurant and sat down.  When she placed her gum on the side of her wine glass, I knew the weekend was taking a nose dive.  Then, during the main course, the sunglasses came off.  She was crossed eyed.  I'm not talking about a lazy eye.  It was wandering.  I remained a gentleman, and persevered. The evening ended and I took her home.


I stormed back to the fraternity house to confront JD.  I asked him why he didn't to tell me about her little problem.  "Because you wouldn't have gone out with her and I would have been without a date."  It was my first taste of the frat's unofficial motto: "Never miss the opportunity to screw over your brother."


I vowed to get him back.  It took me until my senior year, but I finally got him back.  JD had a crush on a girl from Clovis.  He was a bit shy and was afraid to introduce himself. What JD didn't know was I had a little thing for her as well.  I'd gone out with her a time or two and liked her.  Unfortunately, she seemed to find me a little annoying.  


We were at the Greek dance and he saw her.  He started driving me crazy talking about her.  Then, I saw the opportunity for a little pay back.  I told him I would introduce him.  I went up to her and began chatting her up.  I kept looking back at JD.  He was really excited.  


What he didn't know was I had no intentions of her meeting him.  She told me she was bored.  I suggested we go somewhere else. I'm not normally that bold, but I was on a mission.  She agreed.  She grabbed her coat and we left.  


I looked back at JD and smiled.  He looked like he'd been kicked.  


"Never miss the opportunity the screw over a brother."

Nerdy Rules

Workin' for the Man

Genius

Poet

Bueller

Stone Hedge Breakfast

UTOPIA

Shangrila