A Very Special Super Bowl

Another Super Bowl has come and gone.  It's Tuesday, and I'm glad to be out of the hospital.


 This year I parked myself in my barca lounger with my game time PBR in the Igloo cooler icing down next to me.  I was ready for inaction.


Svetlana came in with what I thought was a bottle of cough medicine.  It was actually a bottle of absinthe.  If you don't know what absinthe, here's  short description:


Absinthe is a popular spirit in Europe.  Until recently, it had been banned in the U.S. since 1915.  The reason is because it is 160 proof and causes hallucinations.  It's nicknamed "The Green Fairy."  Van Gogh loved absinthe.  That's why he had only one ear and his paintings look like crap.

I had a couple shots during the pre show, then settle in for the game.  I was feeling pretty good as they introduced the teams and coaches.  But, I knew I was in trouble when Gollum came out to sing the National Anthem.  

I heard people complained about the way he sang.  I thought he did pretty good considering the fact he was a mutant.


The game began and I was really confused.  The first teams disappeared in the middle of the first quarter and were replaced with George Clinton with Parliament\Funkadelic versus a pack of Yeti.

The second quarter turned into a game of PacMan.  

Half time was enjoyable.  I really enjoyed Tammy Wynnette singing Guns & Roses.

I didn't catch any of the action during the third quarter because the stadium turned into gigantic C-Store nachos.

The nachos disappeared during the fourth quarter when Jerry Jones' image appeared on the jumbo-tron.  His head came out of the screen and began floating around the stadium.  Then, his eyes started shooting laser beams into the stands and vaporizing the fans.

After that, it all became pretty colors.


I woke up Monday morning in a bathtub full of ice, a bottle of ether next to me, and my kidney and my mail order bride were missing.  I thought, "Oh, crap.  Not again."


I managed to call the ambulance and they took me to the hospital.  Luckily, they did a good job stitching me up and there weren't any complications.  I didn't appreciate getting my organs stolen.  But, I did appreciate their professionalism.


I got home today and found a note from Svetlana.  Sure enough, she's left me.  She said even she had standards and had to get something out of having to sleep with me.


I started looking around and figured out she'd cleaned out my bank account. (All $68.37)  And she'd taken many of my most valued possessions.  


She took the following:

My Teen Beat collection

My autographed Farrah Fawcett poster.

My dress pants

My dynamite 8 track player

My 1968 Comeback Special, Velvet Elvis

So, here I sit.  Single again.  Empty bank account.  Elvisless.  But I'm an optimistic kinda guy.

I remember that back in my MySpace days, I was very popular with girls from the Philipines.  And, my birthday is coming up next month.  So, I'm going to take my birthday card money, help out that Nigerian prince that keeps writing me, and use the profits to get me an Asian bride.

Things are looking up.