Since I’m the only registered Republican in Geiger County, I am the head of local GOP.
By default, I got an invitation to the Governor’s Inauguration Ball on New Year’s Eve. I figured that if this didn’t get me some female attention, nothing would.
I threw the invitation on the passenger seat of the Ramcharger and headed over to Lizard Flats to visit the lovely Miss Margarita (Maggie) Jackson. I arrived at Maggie’s Holistic Supplies and Taxidermy. Excitedly, I showed her the invitation and asked her if she would accompany me to the gala.
“You Sonofabitch!” I ducked at the jackalope she’s been stuffing went whizzing past my head.
“What makes you think I’d go up to Santa Fe and spend the evening with a bunch of obnoxious, stuffed shirt know it alls.”
In my haste to impress the girl of my dreams by showing off my political ascension, I’d forgotten that I’d ascended with the wrong party. I looked out in the parking lot looking at her Prius with the Green Peace and Earth Day bumper stickers, I contemplated damage control.
“Well, how about going over to Lupe’s for tacos?”
“You ignorant, inbred, self involved, mouth breathing, trailer trash bastard, I wouldn’t go out with your fat butt if you were the last man on earth.”
“So, I’ll take that as a Maybe.”
The bottle crashed on the door jamb as I made a quick exit.
My further attempts to get a date with Maggie were equally fruitless. I decided to take Mario to the ball. He’d been begging to go since he found out there was going to be free food and an open bar. He’s a fun guy and I figured he might repay by getting me a new set of ape hanger handle bars for my Honda.
New Year’s arrived and Mario and I headed north to the People’s Republic of Santa Fe. I warned Mario about being on his best behavior. He promised that “HE” wouldn’t do anything to embarrass me. Unfortunately, I didn’t know he had other plans for me.
The ball was lovely. Good food, great music and free drinks, who could ask for anything more. What I didn’t know was Mario was conducting a scientific experiment. He kept bringing me Red Bulls and vodka. But, every couple drinks, he’d throw a Percocet in for good measure. When I started feeling funny, it was too late. I was already on a boat to happy island.
Last fall, New Mexico elected the first Hispanic, female governor in history. We’re very proud and excited. But, truth be known, the real reason I supported her was because I thought she was cute. She’s kinda short and perky and has a real cute butt. I figure if we’re going to have to look at someone for the next four years, they might as well be good looking. It’s what I call “The Sarah Palin Effect.”
About the time the meds were at their peak, the Governor and her husband arrived. I’d seen her on television, but never in person. Uncle Rusty was smitten. Uncle Rusty was in trouble.
Things were a little hazy at this point. But Mario filled in the vast hole I have in my memory. I started out slow. I kept giving her my best come hither looks. But they weren’t working, so I headed on up to her and asked her what she was doing later. She ignored me. Her husband didn’t, though. Did I mention was a police officer of some sorts. Fortunately, by the time he’d gotten security’s attention, I’d already wandered off looking for the taquito tray.
After I’d had my fill of finger foods, I wandered back to make another run at the Gov. Before I was able to ask her if she wanted to go out to the parking lot and check out my Dodge, security picked me up and escorted me to the exit.
After they’d tossed me through the fire exit door, I picked myself up, and yelled at them. “You big pussies! I’ve gotten better ass kickings from hippies!”
Mario came out a few minutes later, threw me in the back and drove me home. I slept through all the bowl games and really wasn’t coherent until the third.
I was happy. I’d dodged a bullet. I’d made a world class ass out of myself, but somehow got away with it.
But, today I received a letter from the GOP requesting I change party affiliation.
Good news Maggie. Uncle Rusty’s gonna start hugging trees and kissing spotted owls. I’ve already put a Greenpeace bumper sticker on the Ramcharger. I’ll be back on your good side in no time.
DISCLAIMER:
I may or may not be a republican
I've never met the governor
Red Bulls and Vodkas rock!
I don't know where these garden gnomes came from
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