Thursday, April 25, 2013

It Was 20 Years Ago Today

This week, twenty years ago, I was packing up my house in Atlanta and loading it into a UHaul for the long trip to Albuquerque.  Seven years earlier I had told New Mexico to kiss my ass, I'm outta hear.  Obviously, I was wrong.  

I loved Atlanta.  It had cultural diversity, tons of activities and events.  Professional sports (The Hawks don't count).  We lived in a little house on a huge lot.  There was a stream running at the bottom of the lot.  We had a huge party deck.  Life was good.

There were over 50 public golf courses in Atlanta.  I loved getting up early and heading heading off to play a round.  It was the best.

I didn't want to leave.  I won't go into the details of why I left.  But, next time I get married, I'm going to check is the umbilical cord is still attached to my bride.

The truck was packed up by the late afternoon and off we went.  My son was strapped next to me in his car seat.  He had his trucker hat on and a sippy cup.  I couldn't have asked for a better copilot.

Two and a half days later, we arrived.  I went from living here:



To living here:





I had moved to Bedrock.  

To add to my happiness, I found out that the apartment my wife rented was around the corner from her parents' house.  I had gone from living 2000 miles away from my in laws to living 2 blocks away.  This presented an entirely new set of problems.  My wife's family shares everything with each other.  My family considers talking about the weather an invasion of privacy.  It was a couple years before they figured out I wasn't going to share my salary, what I paid for my house, or whether I want ranch dressing on my salad.  

That was alright.  There was always golf.  But I soon found out that golf courses in New Mexico are not nearly as nice as Georgia.

Once again I had a culture shock.  I went from this:



To this:


I did feel like a much better about my game.  Going from 1037 feet above sea level to 5000 feet makes a guy feel powerful.  But, playing with the goats and jackrabbits grows old quick.

I decided to tour Route 66.  The Mother Road.  America's Main Street.  The Will Rogers Highway.  I emerge myself in a little Americana.  I always remembered the photo of the road from when I was a kid.




Of course, when I went down there, I got this.





Tattoo shops, fiberglass statues and urban blight.  

Business was booming, though.  If you want some meth, a hooker or someone killed cheap.  This is the place to go.

New Mexico does have it's high points.  Number 1 in poverty level.
We're near the bottom in education; the very bottom on vocabulary scores.  We rank near the top on DWIs and Crime Rates, also.  Thank goodness for Mississippi and Louisiana, without them, we would be at the bottom of almost every list.

Twenty years ago, I lived in a city that looked like this



Today, I live up the street from this:



I've gone from the prom queen to her second cousin who "has a real nice personality."

I think think it's time for me to say,

Kiss my ass New Mexico!  I'm outta here!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

FUNNY DUMP NO. 37

RED OR GREEN


NO.  BUT I'D LIKE TO TRY



I WAS CAPTAIN O.S.H.A.

I LIKE TO CALL IT...TUESDAY


SKIN-A-RAMA
TECHNOLOGY AHEAD OF ITS TIME




I LOVE THESE BITCHES

...OR TAKE YOUR KID'S RITALIN BEFORE YOU WATCH IT.
IT TAKES ON A NEW SURREALISTIC MEANING

Monday, April 22, 2013

Fun and Joy with Erectile Dysfunction

It is a well documented fact that I need constant supervision.  When left to my own devices, disaster is eminent.  My girlfriend went out of town for the weekend when I was in college.  I woke up tattooed Saturday morning.  The first weekend after my divorce, I put myself into a food coma by eating an entire bucket of KFC chicken, two big tubs of slaw, and an entire German chocolate cake. The fire department has rescued me. I've taken multiple trips to the emergency room.  I've had more injuries on the golf course than I ever did on the football field.  

My therapist has said many times that my major problem is the poor decisions I make.

With that said, it's time to share my latest poor decision.

There is a magical yellow pill called Cialis.  Developed to solve male erectile dysfunction, it's a wonderful product. I give it my highest endorsement.  However, take heed to my mistake and avoid similar pain and embarrassment.  

I was heading out of town to visit my girlfriend during Thanksgiving.  I was going to spend five glorious days and nights with her.  I wanted things to be special, so when I was getting my annual checkup, I asked my doctor for a little something to "jump start the pogo stick."  You know what I'm talking about:  "Put a fire in the furnace," "Put some lead in the ol' pencil."  

He was happy to help me.

Erectile Dysfunction medicine is very expensive.  Without insurance it costs about $35 a pill.  With insurance, it still costs $7.50.  Dr. Baca gave me a prescription for 20mg.  He told me that I should cut the pills in quarters of in half.  I really only needed 5 to 10mg.  He could save me money and make them last a lot longer.


I chose Cialis.  I remembered their commercial with the couple sitting in the bathtubs overlooking beautiful sunsets.  I wanted an experience like that.  Plus, Viagra was endorsed by Bob Dole.  I didn't want a republican erection.

I went to Walgreens and filled my prescription.  They gave me five pills.  I was ready for my trip.

My girlfriend picked me up at the airport.  I discretely popped a pill on the way home.  I was going to have a big surprise for her.  I knew I was taking twice the dosage.  But, what the heck.  It would be a good kick start to my vacation.

Everyone concerned was pleased with the results of my medication.  The next night, I went ahead and took another double dose. At this point things started going very wrong.

Cialis is known at the "Weekend Pill."  It stays in your system for forty eight to seventy two hours.  

So, at this point, I had taken 8 days worth of the wonder drug.

Each night, I'd pop my pill.  On the third night, I wasn't feeling so well.  By the fourth day, I was miserable.  

Here is a list of the common side effects of Cialis:

1.  Headache
2.  Indigestion
3.  Back Pain
4.  Muscle Ache
5.  Nasal Congestion
6.  Flushing
7.  Pain in the Lime

Except for nasal congestion, I was suffering from them all.  I didn't look these important facts up until after I got home.  So, I continued taking my medication for five days in a row.  

I took 5 pills with twice the dosage I needed.  I only need to take one pill total for the trip.  So, by the time I left for home, I had over medicated myself by about 20 times.  

The worst part of the side effects were back pain and muscle aches combined to lock me up.  I could barely walk. When I left my gate was on the far side of the terminal.  I shuffled and sweated for what seemed hours to get their.  With my  flushed face, I looked a crippled strawberry on holiday.

I was barely able to move for a week.  Luckily, I'm pretty sedentary.  No one noticed my problem.  Eventually, I returned to normal and lumbered around with my normal aches and pains.

I have made many trips back.  But, I decided to let nature take it's course and not rely on medical enhancements.  It's less painful that way.  

The lesson to take away from this is talk to your pharmacist when you pick up a new prescription.  Don't be a horny dip shit.  And, they need to make airport terminals shorter.




Our Childhood Destroyed


I came across a website (www.chunkclothing.com) out of the UK.  I laughed for hours looking at their designs. They have taken my childhood memories and completely destroyed and twisted them. Here is a small sampling of their genius.





POOH PORN

MUPPET SHOW AFTERHOURS

VADERING

DAMN THE MAN

VADER DON'T SURF




Sunday, April 14, 2013

Random Picture Dump No. 37



Admit it.  You were making the sounds in your head.

Stanley Kubrick's garden

Gun Nation

MY FRIES ARE GETTING COLD!!


...and eat maul anyone who tried to bring more than two pieces of carry on 



....genius

Nothing to see here.  Carry on


Dirty bikers are just weird.


...real genius

He had ONE job

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Junior Bad Assery


This reminds me of when I was a about ten and my dad took me out to a drilling rig he was doing a job on.  Somehow, I ended up with a twelve pound sledge hammer breaking loose pipe fittings from a frac truck.  After a few minutes of me flailing away, my dad's employees took the hammer away from me before I hurt myself and everyone around me.  Some things never change.