1. The former Mrs. Uncle Rusty suggested that I change my address about 10 years ago. After seventeen years of marital bliss she told me she had had enough. Enough of what? All the beauty and wonderfulness of sharing her life with me. I knew it couldn't be my fault. But, after years of contemplation, psychoanalysis and recreational pharmaceuticals, I've come up with one or two minor imperfections I possess that might have created Mrs. Uncle Rusty to become slightly annoyed.
So, in the interest of my friends, I offer the following examples of my behavior that might not have been perfect.
2. Using her purse to steal plates from Denny’s
3. Pretend to be a widowed father in order to pick up women when I took my son to McDonalds
4. Telling the Jehovah’s Witnesses that she was in the back sacrificing a goat
5. Referring to her siblings as the drunk and the whore
6. Kept getting on stage at Chuck E. Cheese to “Rock with the Rat.”
7. Duct taping the children together
8. Claiming the house is haunted.
9. Staying up all night playing video games and telling her I’m trying to catch ghosts
10. Switching the TV’s language back and forth from English to Spanish
11. Trying to run cock fights in the laundry room
12. Trying to capture a gopher for a pet
13. Moaning when her mother hugged me
14. Yelled “Imigra!” whenever I entered her parent’s house
15. Told everyone her father was my gardener
16. Had the kids to steal cookies from the kitchen for me while I ran interference
17. Laying on the floor and throwing a tantrum when she wouldn’t buy me Cheeto’s
18. Always told the waiter is was my birthday so I could get free cake
19. Set up a gambling ring with the kids in the neighborhood
20. Using “It seemed like a good idea at the time” as my universal excuse
21. Brought an inflatable pool into the living room.
22. Didn’t see any problem with public butt scratching
23. Gave gift cards for holidays, but didn’t activate them
24. Those unfortunate pink flamingos in the front yard
25. Played tag with random strangers at the mallU
26. Taught the kids to say “That’s what she said.”
27. Shaved her cat
28. Insisted the Xena warrior princes poster was art
29. Started a betting pool on my sister in law’s extramarital affairs
30. Told her family I converted to Judaism and insisted on kosher meals for a year
31. Used her steam iron as a mini grill
32. Tried to watch “Saw” with the four year old
So, there you have it. I think I was colorful and entertaining. Sometimes I miss Mrs. Uncle Rusty. But, most of the time I'm happy with paint fumes and flamingos.
So, there you have it. I think I was colorful and entertaining. Sometimes I miss Mrs. Uncle Rusty. But, most of the time I'm happy with paint fumes and flamingos.
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