Friday, August 10, 2012

FIfty Shades of WTF

Boy oh boy.  Things have certainly changed in the last year and a half.  I've been out of romantic circulation. I relocated to Rancho Cucaracha for awhile and experienced a brief period of domestic bliss.  But as we all know, Uncle Rusty found a way to foul things up.

I ended up loading up with my bobble heads and chopper magazines and headed back to the peaceful confines of Radiation Valley.  I spent a couple months reestablishing my Mercenary/VCR Repair business.  Sitting in the double wide, watching Dr. Phil every day got me motivated to start dating again.  (BTW:  What happened to Oprah?)

I set up a date with Katy O'Bryan Epstein.  She goes to the same Irish synagogue I attend.  Sometimes I need to get back in touch with my socio-religious culture steeped in more than 2000 years of Talmudic tradition.  

A nice Irish-Jewish girl will be just the ticket to start dating again.  We went to Outback.  She had a kosher meal.and I had my usual Walk About Filet.  

During the dinner conversation, Miss Epstein asked me if had heard about Fifty Shades of Grey.  I thought we was talking about the Bulgarian underground economy.  "Sure." I said.

"Are you into it."

I really have no opinion on it.  But I didn't want to sound ignorant.  "You bet."  I replied

"Good.  Let's go back to my place, then."

I figured she had a copy of The New Economist she wanted to share with me.  I paid the bill and we headed back to her place.

Once she got back to her place she made me a margamarita.  She said she'd just gotten some Cialis from the Canadian online pharmacy.  I'm a big fan of recreational pharmaceuticals.  I didn't know what it was.  I assumed it was some sort of muscle relaxer or pain killer.

The alcohol did it's job and I got sleepy.  She told me to go lie down in her room.  Never being one to pass up a nap, I headed right in and snuggled up on the pillow.

I was awakened by the sound of thunder.  Or, so I thought.  I looked up and saw Miss Epstein dressed in a black vinyl dress, hip boots and long rubber gloves.  

HOLY CRAP!!  I started looking around the room.  There was assorted whips, chains and ropes.  She even had a paddle ball paddle.  In the corner there was a cattle prod and a horse collar.  What had I gotten myself into.  I just knew I was going to be sacrificed in some sort of wicken ceremony.

"I thought you liked 50 Shades?  Don't you like a little kink?"

"This is the new side of sex."

A new side of sex?  What the hell.  They've moved the good parts while I was away?  I was getting very confused.  Even more confused when I looked down at my crotch.  How did that happen.

I started heading for the door.  She zapped me with the cattle prod.  "You have to choose a safe word."

"How about GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!"

I bolted for the door.  She chased me onto the lawn with a  medieval  torture device.

I jumped into the trans am, hit the gas and threw rocks all over the Streamliner.

I through my Waylon Jennings tape in the 8 track.  The words to I Don't Think Hank Done It This Way echoed through the night.

So true Waylon.  So true.








1 comment:

  1. What a shame uncle rusty is afraid of NS kinky fun, Im sure Katy would of gave him alot of pleasue. ;)

    ReplyDelete