Monday, April 22, 2013

Fun and Joy with Erectile Dysfunction

It is a well documented fact that I need constant supervision.  When left to my own devices, disaster is eminent.  My girlfriend went out of town for the weekend when I was in college.  I woke up tattooed Saturday morning.  The first weekend after my divorce, I put myself into a food coma by eating an entire bucket of KFC chicken, two big tubs of slaw, and an entire German chocolate cake. The fire department has rescued me. I've taken multiple trips to the emergency room.  I've had more injuries on the golf course than I ever did on the football field.  

My therapist has said many times that my major problem is the poor decisions I make.

With that said, it's time to share my latest poor decision.

There is a magical yellow pill called Cialis.  Developed to solve male erectile dysfunction, it's a wonderful product. I give it my highest endorsement.  However, take heed to my mistake and avoid similar pain and embarrassment.  

I was heading out of town to visit my girlfriend during Thanksgiving.  I was going to spend five glorious days and nights with her.  I wanted things to be special, so when I was getting my annual checkup, I asked my doctor for a little something to "jump start the pogo stick."  You know what I'm talking about:  "Put a fire in the furnace," "Put some lead in the ol' pencil."  

He was happy to help me.

Erectile Dysfunction medicine is very expensive.  Without insurance it costs about $35 a pill.  With insurance, it still costs $7.50.  Dr. Baca gave me a prescription for 20mg.  He told me that I should cut the pills in quarters of in half.  I really only needed 5 to 10mg.  He could save me money and make them last a lot longer.


I chose Cialis.  I remembered their commercial with the couple sitting in the bathtubs overlooking beautiful sunsets.  I wanted an experience like that.  Plus, Viagra was endorsed by Bob Dole.  I didn't want a republican erection.

I went to Walgreens and filled my prescription.  They gave me five pills.  I was ready for my trip.

My girlfriend picked me up at the airport.  I discretely popped a pill on the way home.  I was going to have a big surprise for her.  I knew I was taking twice the dosage.  But, what the heck.  It would be a good kick start to my vacation.

Everyone concerned was pleased with the results of my medication.  The next night, I went ahead and took another double dose. At this point things started going very wrong.

Cialis is known at the "Weekend Pill."  It stays in your system for forty eight to seventy two hours.  

So, at this point, I had taken 8 days worth of the wonder drug.

Each night, I'd pop my pill.  On the third night, I wasn't feeling so well.  By the fourth day, I was miserable.  

Here is a list of the common side effects of Cialis:

1.  Headache
2.  Indigestion
3.  Back Pain
4.  Muscle Ache
5.  Nasal Congestion
6.  Flushing
7.  Pain in the Lime

Except for nasal congestion, I was suffering from them all.  I didn't look these important facts up until after I got home.  So, I continued taking my medication for five days in a row.  

I took 5 pills with twice the dosage I needed.  I only need to take one pill total for the trip.  So, by the time I left for home, I had over medicated myself by about 20 times.  

The worst part of the side effects were back pain and muscle aches combined to lock me up.  I could barely walk. When I left my gate was on the far side of the terminal.  I shuffled and sweated for what seemed hours to get their.  With my  flushed face, I looked a crippled strawberry on holiday.

I was barely able to move for a week.  Luckily, I'm pretty sedentary.  No one noticed my problem.  Eventually, I returned to normal and lumbered around with my normal aches and pains.

I have made many trips back.  But, I decided to let nature take it's course and not rely on medical enhancements.  It's less painful that way.  

The lesson to take away from this is talk to your pharmacist when you pick up a new prescription.  Don't be a horny dip shit.  And, they need to make airport terminals shorter.




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