Boy oh boy. Things have certainly changed in the last year and a half. I've been out of romantic circulation. I relocated to Rancho Cucaracha for awhile and experienced a brief period of domestic bliss. But as we all know, Uncle Rusty found a way to foul things up.
I ended up loading up with my bobble heads and chopper magazines and headed back to the peaceful confines of Radiation Valley. I spent a couple months reestablishing my Mercenary/VCR Repair business. Sitting in the double wide, watching Dr. Phil every day got me motivated to start dating again. (BTW: What happened to Oprah?)
I set up a date with Katy O'Bryan Epstein. She goes to the same Irish synagogue I attend. Sometimes I need to get back in touch with my socio-religious culture steeped in more than 2000 years of Talmudic tradition.
A nice Irish-Jewish girl will be just the ticket to start dating again. We went to Outback. She had a kosher meal.and I had my usual Walk About Filet.
During the dinner conversation, Miss Epstein asked me if had heard about Fifty Shades of Grey. I thought we was talking about the Bulgarian underground economy. "Sure." I said.
"Are you into it."
I really have no opinion on it. But I didn't want to sound ignorant. "You bet." I replied
"Good. Let's go back to my place, then."
I figured she had a copy of The New Economist she wanted to share with me. I paid the bill and we headed back to her place.
Once she got back to her place she made me a margamarita. She said she'd just gotten some Cialis from the Canadian online pharmacy. I'm a big fan of recreational pharmaceuticals. I didn't know what it was. I assumed it was some sort of muscle relaxer or pain killer.
The alcohol did it's job and I got sleepy. She told me to go lie down in her room. Never being one to pass up a nap, I headed right in and snuggled up on the pillow.
I was awakened by the sound of thunder. Or, so I thought. I looked up and saw Miss Epstein dressed in a black vinyl dress, hip boots and long rubber gloves.
HOLY CRAP!! I started looking around the room. There was assorted whips, chains and ropes. She even had a paddle ball paddle. In the corner there was a cattle prod and a horse collar. What had I gotten myself into. I just knew I was going to be sacrificed in some sort of wicken ceremony.
"I thought you liked 50 Shades? Don't you like a little kink?"
"This is the new side of sex."
A new side of sex? What the hell. They've moved the good parts while I was away? I was getting very confused. Even more confused when I looked down at my crotch. How did that happen.
I started heading for the door. She zapped me with the cattle prod. "You have to choose a safe word."
"How about GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!"
I bolted for the door. She chased me onto the lawn with a medieval torture device.
I jumped into the trans am, hit the gas and threw rocks all over the Streamliner.
I through my Waylon Jennings tape in the 8 track. The words to I Don't Think Hank Done It This Way echoed through the night.
So true Waylon. So true.
I ended up loading up with my bobble heads and chopper magazines and headed back to the peaceful confines of Radiation Valley. I spent a couple months reestablishing my Mercenary/VCR Repair business. Sitting in the double wide, watching Dr. Phil every day got me motivated to start dating again. (BTW: What happened to Oprah?)
I set up a date with Katy O'Bryan Epstein. She goes to the same Irish synagogue I attend. Sometimes I need to get back in touch with my socio-religious culture steeped in more than 2000 years of Talmudic tradition.
A nice Irish-Jewish girl will be just the ticket to start dating again. We went to Outback. She had a kosher meal.and I had my usual Walk About Filet.
During the dinner conversation, Miss Epstein asked me if had heard about Fifty Shades of Grey. I thought we was talking about the Bulgarian underground economy. "Sure." I said.
"Are you into it."
I really have no opinion on it. But I didn't want to sound ignorant. "You bet." I replied
"Good. Let's go back to my place, then."
I figured she had a copy of The New Economist she wanted to share with me. I paid the bill and we headed back to her place.
Once she got back to her place she made me a margamarita. She said she'd just gotten some Cialis from the Canadian online pharmacy. I'm a big fan of recreational pharmaceuticals. I didn't know what it was. I assumed it was some sort of muscle relaxer or pain killer.
The alcohol did it's job and I got sleepy. She told me to go lie down in her room. Never being one to pass up a nap, I headed right in and snuggled up on the pillow.
I was awakened by the sound of thunder. Or, so I thought. I looked up and saw Miss Epstein dressed in a black vinyl dress, hip boots and long rubber gloves.
HOLY CRAP!! I started looking around the room. There was assorted whips, chains and ropes. She even had a paddle ball paddle. In the corner there was a cattle prod and a horse collar. What had I gotten myself into. I just knew I was going to be sacrificed in some sort of wicken ceremony.
"I thought you liked 50 Shades? Don't you like a little kink?"
"This is the new side of sex."
A new side of sex? What the hell. They've moved the good parts while I was away? I was getting very confused. Even more confused when I looked down at my crotch. How did that happen.
I started heading for the door. She zapped me with the cattle prod. "You have to choose a safe word."
"How about GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!"
I bolted for the door. She chased me onto the lawn with a medieval torture device.
I jumped into the trans am, hit the gas and threw rocks all over the Streamliner.
I through my Waylon Jennings tape in the 8 track. The words to I Don't Think Hank Done It This Way echoed through the night.
So true Waylon. So true.
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