Real men

Oh, please give me a reason.  I'm off my medication and extremely bored.

Uncle Rusty's Tips for Better Living

1.      Spend time with people who make you smile and avoid those who you feel pressured to impress.

    Your friend’s dream might be impossible.  Don’t tell them so, or you’ll be embarrassed when they prove you wrong.

    Don’t change yourself to try and make someone love you.  It will never last.

    There are bridges to burn and bridges to cross.  Wisdom is the ability to differentiate the two.

    Embrace loneliness.  If you’re lucky, you will learn to be your own best friend.

    Stop buying things with money you don’t have to impress people you don’t know.

    Don’t look for love.  It will find you.  There is someone out there who knows all about your flaws and shortcomings and still thinks you are amazing.

    Everyone has issues.  Life isn’t easy for anyone.  We don’t know what others have gone through.  Don’t judge, criticize or mock others.  They’re fighting their own wars and slaying their own inner demons.

    The best way to get back at your enemies is to be successful and happy.  It’s the best revenge.

    Stop trying to be cool.  Focus on being yourself. 

    Embrace change.  After the awkwardness and scary feelings pass, you will be better and bolder.

    It wasn’t a value if it’s easily compromised.  It’s only an opinion.

    Be able to laugh at yourself. 

    The average man does not control his life.  It takes great courage to actually control the direction your life takes.

    Never let anyone criticize your close friends in front of you.

    Sometimes creativity looks just like insanity.

    Nietzche said, “I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on, I can’t believe you.”  Break a trust once, and it can take a lifetime to repair.

     It costs nothing to be polite and grateful to the people you encounter every day.  Be kind to both friends and strangers.

    Standing up to your principles can be difficult.  You can’t waver because your beliefs are not popular. 

    Identify your principles.  They will get you through difficult times. Nelson Mandela was willing to be held captive for decades because of his principles.  What sacrifices are your principles worth?

     Learn to honestly love yourself.  Love your strengths, accept your weaknesses.  This can be the most difficult thing some people ever do.  It can take a long time to accomplish.  It can be painful.  But, once you do, you will begin to be truly happy.

    Never pass up an opportunity to eat bacon.

      My apologies for the lack of humor.  Sometimes I'm up at 3:00am and these thoughts come to my head and I can't sleep until they are on paper.  

Funny Picture Dump No. 37

Some things defy explanation

I think I'm in love

Reason no. 37 of why I am divorced

Sometimes I would teleport from my uncle's house to my bed.  I was amazing.

They should send invitations to me with the following message:
We know you have no intentions of attending.
We sent you this as a courtesy.
Good luck.  We will see you at the next family funeral.

My retirement plan

Public Service Announcement:
Jesus is tired of you using your religion as an excuse to be an asshole and a bigot.

Take me out to the ball game

I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, the novels oof Susan Sontage are self-indulgent, overrated crap.  I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone.  I believe their ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter.  I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening you presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

Picture pages.

...and then, I ran out of bullets and the son of a bitch was still breathing

Baby Nerds

My Little Pony, Bitches.

Oh, Shut up.  You know it's funny.

If you love someone, let them go.  If they don't return,

they were probably dead poultry.

..and free checking.

Never cut line for the Teacup ride.

...meanwhile at the republican party.

I love history

Tour de Walmart

Unfortunately, my job takes me into Walmart about five hours a week.  The hillbilly hell I have to endure is sometimes unbearable.  A couple months ago, I was able to extract a little revenge against a couple local inbreeds.

I was walking through the hardware department.  As I turned the corner, I almost get ran over by a booger faced boy on a Huffy Thrust Flex General Lee BMX bike.  I grabbed the handle bars and stopped him from crashing into me. The kid gave me a cross eyed stare for a moment and pedaled off.  I said nothing.

A few minutes later, I was in the automotive department checking out fuzzy dice. I looked up to see the little bastard flying around the corner and race past me.  I said nothing.

Finally, I was walking along the back wall by the toy section.  From four aisles away, I see the kid racing towards me again.  I waited for him and blocked the aisle when he got close.  I had had enough.  I told the kid he needed to put the bike away and stop riding around the store. At that point, his mother appeared out of nowhere.

"Don't you tell my child what to do!" she yelled.

"Lady, your kid has almost hit me three times."

"I'm buying him a bike.  I need to know if he likes it."

I replied, "He's going to get hurt, or hurt someone else."

Her face turned beat red with anger. "It's none of your business you fat ass."

I thought to myself. "Fat ass?  That's the best she can do?"

I took a deep breath, counted to ten and said,"Listen you cretinous, slack jawed, buck toothed hillbilly slut.  You’re only qualification for motherhood is a womb that happened to catch the sperm of a passing truck driver.  Take your white trash scrotum faced, cross eyed progeny back to the god forsaken trailer park you crawled out of and watch Ducky Dynasty."

I walked away triumphantly as her head exploded from trying to process too many three syllable words.