Tour de Walmart

Unfortunately, my job takes me into Walmart about five hours a week.  The hillbilly hell I have to endure is sometimes unbearable.  A couple months ago, I was able to extract a little revenge against a couple local inbreeds.

I was walking through the hardware department.  As I turned the corner, I almost get ran over by a booger faced boy on a Huffy Thrust Flex General Lee BMX bike.  I grabbed the handle bars and stopped him from crashing into me. The kid gave me a cross eyed stare for a moment and pedaled off.  I said nothing.

A few minutes later, I was in the automotive department checking out fuzzy dice. I looked up to see the little bastard flying around the corner and race past me.  I said nothing.

Finally, I was walking along the back wall by the toy section.  From four aisles away, I see the kid racing towards me again.  I waited for him and blocked the aisle when he got close.  I had had enough.  I told the kid he needed to put the bike away and stop riding around the store. At that point, his mother appeared out of nowhere.

"Don't you tell my child what to do!" she yelled.

"Lady, your kid has almost hit me three times."

"I'm buying him a bike.  I need to know if he likes it."

I replied, "He's going to get hurt, or hurt someone else."

Her face turned beat red with anger. "It's none of your business you fat ass."

I thought to myself. "Fat ass?  That's the best she can do?"

I took a deep breath, counted to ten and said,"Listen you cretinous, slack jawed, buck toothed hillbilly slut.  You’re only qualification for motherhood is a womb that happened to catch the sperm of a passing truck driver.  Take your white trash scrotum faced, cross eyed progeny back to the god forsaken trailer park you crawled out of and watch Ducky Dynasty."

I walked away triumphantly as her head exploded from trying to process too many three syllable words.

WALMART HUNTER'S FIELD GUIDE

I Went to Lupe’s Tacos tonight and met Steve G. and Lyle.  After a few Corona’s and carne adovada , Steve started telling deer hunting  stories.  After a few more Corona’s the subject turned to women. 

It’s hard getting quality dates over here in Radiation Springs.  Online dating, personals, bars, church, etc. etc.  Things just hadn’t been working for Steve or me.  Lyle, has been married since he was in kindergarten.  He really couldn’t relate, but came up with a great idea.

“Why don’t you guys take your hunting skills and apply them to meeting new women.”

Genius! 

We decided we needed a large area to work.  Big Box stores would be a natural fix.

WalMart is my “Happy Hunting Ground”.   There are so many divorced women with low self esteem and relaxed moral attitudes.  It’s a target rich environment.

Preparation is key.  Setting your tree stand up on a pole  in the sporting goods department gives you a good view of the field.  It’s also good location because management thinks you’re a sales display

Make sure you’ve got a view of the housewares department.  Cosmetics, linens and electronics are also good areas to keep in your field of vision.

There is always a congregate. around the grocery department.  Putting a salt lick near the margarita mix is always a good idea. I  look for any lady with a limp.  Cut them from the herd and their all yours.

Set up cameras at the nail salon.  They are immobilized while in there.  Be careful, though, French nails will cut your worse than a raptor’s talons.

Steve like’s to follow their trail through  the different departments. 

Catching one coming out of sporting good and heading to electronics guarantees a quality hunt.  They are a little faster than you average patron, but usually have more money.

It is frowned upon to shop in the liquor of pharmacy departments.  It’s not very sporting.  However, it’s late Friday night,  and you’re also drunk.  Go ahead.

Never hunt women with fawns in tow.  You bag a woman like that, you will end up having to take care of their progeny indefinitely.

Hunting in the liquor department is frowned upon.  It’s almost like poaching.  The hunting is way too easy and not considered good sport.  If you’re drunk  and/or  desperate exceptions can be made. 

There is no need for a license needed.  There is not limit.  Get out there boys.  It’s huntin’  season!

Special thanks to Lyle Kennedy and Steve Garcia

The Great White Hunters