Tour de Walmart

Unfortunately, my job takes me into Walmart about five hours a week.  The hillbilly hell I have to endure is sometimes unbearable.  A couple months ago, I was able to extract a little revenge against a couple local inbreeds.

I was walking through the hardware department.  As I turned the corner, I almost get ran over by a booger faced boy on a Huffy Thrust Flex General Lee BMX bike.  I grabbed the handle bars and stopped him from crashing into me. The kid gave me a cross eyed stare for a moment and pedaled off.  I said nothing.

A few minutes later, I was in the automotive department checking out fuzzy dice. I looked up to see the little bastard flying around the corner and race past me.  I said nothing.

Finally, I was walking along the back wall by the toy section.  From four aisles away, I see the kid racing towards me again.  I waited for him and blocked the aisle when he got close.  I had had enough.  I told the kid he needed to put the bike away and stop riding around the store. At that point, his mother appeared out of nowhere.

"Don't you tell my child what to do!" she yelled.

"Lady, your kid has almost hit me three times."

"I'm buying him a bike.  I need to know if he likes it."

I replied, "He's going to get hurt, or hurt someone else."

Her face turned beat red with anger. "It's none of your business you fat ass."

I thought to myself. "Fat ass?  That's the best she can do?"

I took a deep breath, counted to ten and said,"Listen you cretinous, slack jawed, buck toothed hillbilly slut.  You’re only qualification for motherhood is a womb that happened to catch the sperm of a passing truck driver.  Take your white trash scrotum faced, cross eyed progeny back to the god forsaken trailer park you crawled out of and watch Ducky Dynasty."

I walked away triumphantly as her head exploded from trying to process too many three syllable words.

Seven Wonders of the Redneck World

Everyone has heard of the 7 Wonders of the World.  I'm sure the Pyramids of Giza are impressive.  There is no doubt the Collosus of Rhodes would be inspiring.  But, being a certified hillbilly, I don't have the means or desire to leave my beloved home to see them.  


However, I have compiled a list of some of the most impressive things I've seen along the highways and byways of  'merica.  So without further ado, here's my list.

For 51 years tourists have made the pilgrimage here to try and devour the 72 oz. steak dinner.  This place is the definitive Texas Tacky.

38 automobiles make up this replica of Stonehenge in England.  Located in Western Nebraska, this oddity was built by Jim Reinders in 1987.  Instead of druids, this one has buicks.

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It's said that Joshua Tree in California has many metaphysical and spiritual qualities.  It's said that Jim Morrison ventured to the desert oasis for inspiration and enlightenment.  Myself; I head east on Route 66 and go to Cadillac Ranch for my solitude and heightened awareness.  After finishing a few Lone Star beers while perched beneath the differential of a Coupe deVille, life become clear again.

In Darwin, Minnesota, Francis Johnson spent 24 weeks wrapping twine.  In the end he had a ball 12 feet in diameter and weighting over 5 tons.  It's a testament to meaninglessness.

North of Atlanta, in Marietta, Georgia is the Big Chicken.  Rising 56 feet over Highway 41, the sheet metal monolith has become the premiere geographic marker in the area.  "Is it north or south of the Big Chicken?" is a common question.

Located in Covington, Louisiana, Insta-Gator Ranch and Hatchery will throw your children a memorable birthday party.  Know for their "Play with the Gator" area, your kids can handle baby gators to their hearts content. (or at least until they lost a finger of two)

Traveling north on I75 in Monroe, Ohio, one could not miss the 62 foot figure of Jesus rising from the gigantic baptismal pool.  Big Butter Jesus (so named for its yellow tone) was an impressive attraction.  Unfortunately, BBJ was built of  styrofoam with a thin layer of fiberglass. In 2010 it was struck by lightning and caught fire with Hindenburg like glory.

Pre Planning My Funeral

When you're young, you don't think much about death.  Since I've reached middle age, it becomes a larger issue.  Over last few years, I've put many hours of thought in planning my funeral.

My original plan was to have a little fun at the memorial services.  I talked with my son and he agreed to carry out my special request.  Our plan was during the services, a beautiful, mysterious woman would come in, sit in the back and weep silently.  She was to leave early as to give everyone an opportunity to guess who she was.

Unfortunately, my ideas was trumped by my Grand Father.  He passed away a couple years ago.  Different people were getting up and giving remembrances of him.  Halfway through the procession, a lady no one knew went up to the front of the church, choked back her tears and told everyone what a wonderful, beautiful person my Grand Father was.  Then, she left the church.

Who would have thought my own Grand Father would ruin my plan.

Okay.  I wasn't deterred.  I had a better idea:  A viking funeral.  

I already had a canoe.  I could make it a contest.  Everyone would stand at the edge of the Rio Grande as I lazily drifted towards Mexico.

It seems the New Mexico Parks Department does not like the idea for a variety of reasons.  So, that idea has been scrapped.

Did you know you can get custom caskets.  I thought about getting the following designs.

This idea was scrapped.  Does Gene Simmons need any more money?

The PBR casket was a good idea.  My problem is it will confuse people as to whether they are attending a Red Neck funeral of a Hipster funeral.

I have finally come up with a great funeral plan.  Down on 4th Street, you can get cremated for less than $600.00.  I can be the "Frugal Corpse."  

My final resting place will be at my cousin Vickie's house.  She cremates her deceased pets.  So, I want to sit on her mantle next to her dead dachshund, Shorty.  

In order to save money, I have already acquired my urn.

Then, Shorty and I can sit over Vickie as we enjoys The Jerry Springer Show.