Signs of the Times

Cool Stuff Lost in the Move

When I moved in with my girlfriend, I didn't realize I'd have to give up so much stuff.  If you want to go by Goodwill, I'm sure they'll give you a good price

As soon as I lost another 75 lbs. I'm sure I could have gotten this thing to work

Good Bye Mr. Robo Monkey

Some people don't understand the genius that is MacGyver

Oh, the hours of fun I had playing TSA Strip Search

Seriously.  It's inflatable toast.  Its coolness speaks for itself

Losing this was highly illogical

NO!  Not FrankenErnie!

It was always half past Marsha

The dogs didn't like the Screaming Monkey Slingshot

It would have looked so good above the fireplace

What are they?  Freudian Slippers.  Of course.

Don't blame me when the zombies attack.

It made kissing me special

More twisted Love Is...

Class Reunions and Bacon

My 30^th class reunion was held last weekend.  After pay my $26.35 registration fee, I packed up the white Bronco and headed up Hwy 550, OJ Style.  It’s a beautiful drive, especially after consuming pain killers and cough syrup.  After it took three hours to get 60 miles, CeCe made me let her drive.  It was a good idea since pterodactyls started showing dive bombing us shortly after.  Luckily, I had my fly swatter to fend them off.  Luckily, we arrived safely, with only minor injuries.

Friday evening began at Tijuana Taco:  Home of the warmest beer and worst air conditioning  in the Four Corners.  We drank and told lies until late.

CeCe spent the night fighting food poisoning.  Luckily, I booked a room at the El Conquistador Motor Inn.  Their vibrating beds worked perfectly.  And, the pay per view porn had one of the largest midget selections  I have ever seen. So, the evening wasn’t a complete loss.  I just wish she would have closed the bathroom door while throwing up.  It was a little distracting.  She said the bathroom was too small to fit her legs in.  I think she was being a little selfish.

The following morning was the 3^rd Annual J. Patrick Lynch Memorial Horseshoe Tournament. ( It still holds the state record for longest event name.)  It was a wonderful time, even though I felt the leprechaun in charge was way too rigid concerning promptness.  Who knew horseshoes was such a fun sport.  Spectators did have to stay away from my errant shots, however.  Being a fat man, I was glad to find another activity I don’t have to put away beer and chips to play. 

The evening dinner dance was held at the Moose Lodge.  It was a wonderful meal, featuring squirrel scaloppini and gopher tortellini.  We danced away the evening to George Jones and The Butthole Surfers.  I am glad to report that white people still can’t dance.  What we lacked in rhythm, we made up in alcohol abuse.

I want to thank Melissa, Sherri and Steve who remembered my special dietary needs Sunday morning. They brought me a half pound of bacon from Rosco’s Chicken and Pancake House.  I was worried about my cholesterol levels dropping to dangerous levels.  You guys really came through for me.

We had the usual banquet awards:  Longest Married, Most Children, etc.  Gary Blakesly won farthest traveled.  He came all the way from Waterflow.

I believe, in the future, the categories should be expanded.  Here are my suggestions:

Reunion awards

Most illegitimate children

Ugliest grandchild

Best spousal upgrade

Most false teeth

Most felony arrests without convictions

Most bankruptcies

Most creative use of a fanny pack

Biggest age difference between old spouse and new spouse.

Most divorces.

Longest use of Prozac

Biggest stick up your ass

Stupidest children.

Biggest disappointment.

Best and worst use of cosmetic surgery.

If they added these categories, I would be able to pick up a plaque or two.

On a serious note:  It was wonderful to see everyone again.  I had a great time.  I'm beginning my recovery and alcohol treatment in preparation to our next reunion five years from now.