Uncle Rusty's Dating and Golf Advice

My first job was as a golf caddy.  I learned how to judge yardage and read greens with the best of them.  I’m a terrible golfer.  But, put me on your bag and I’ll save you at least four strokes a round. 

My dating life is much the same.  I have come over the top and sliced every relationship I’ve ever had into the woods.  But, I know, in theory, what works in romance. 

So, I’m here to offer you some advice.  I’m not your wingman.  I’m your caddy.  Let’s go to the first tee. I’ll choose your clubs and check the yardage. We’ll get through this together.

PAST RELATIONSHIPS:

Avoid talking about any past relationships. It’s like hitting the ball into the rough.  Never talk about x wives.  You, sir, have double bogied all your past relationships.  You might have been married to Satan’s sister, but you’re not so great yourself.  The bad news is, sorry to say, you are just as culpable in your past romantic failures as your former lovers are.  I know that truth is going to leave a mark.  Take the stroke for the unplayable lie and play through.

Rehearse this line: “We grew apart.  We wanted different things out of life.  I wish her the best.”

Keep repeating it until it sounds convincing.  Being able to recite this line will increase the possibility of a second date by 23 percent.

MEETING THE PETS

When you pick her up, if she has a dog, it will be there to greet you first.  If you get growled at, you’ve landed in a fairway bunker.  You might recover, but it’s going to take a miracle shot.

I always put my left hand in a baggie of bacon.  Just to get the bacon smell.  The dog loves it and comes right to me and starts licking my hand.  If she doesn‘t have a dog, you can ask to use the restroom and clean up real quick.

Don’t avoid the rookie mistake of putting food in your pocket.  Having a schnauzer attacking your crotch can be awkward and dangerous.

THE KIDS

She’ll probably have kids.  They’ll probably hate you.  They’re the water hazards of dating.  I have learned to acknowledge their existence, and ignore them.  Keep your hips squared and parallel to the target line.  Don’t worry about the little vampires.  They resent you because you’re trying to take their mother away.  They resent you for trying to replace daddy.  Remain cordial and detached.  They’ll soon lose interest and go back into their lairs to listen to death metal.

DATES

You haven’t played this course before.  Play conservatively.  I never let their expectations get too high.  Don’t take your date to an expensive restaurant or exciting night club.  You’re not that cool.  You can’t pull off that shot consistently.

Find a happy medium between a four star restaurant and Taco Bell.  Avoid Olive Garden.  The carbs will make you sluggish.  I’ve found Red Lobster is a safe bet.  I know white wine is always the right choice.  Ordering Mahi Mahi makes me sound exotic and sexy.

BACK  HOME

The date’s over.  You walk her to her door and she asks you in.  Congratulations.  You’ve reach the green.  It’s time to slow down, breath deep and figure out the line.  Here’s where my advice comes to a close.  I unfortunately, have the yips and have three putted my way through life.  I only score is she allows me a “gimme.”